Just for the record, this is not an original idea. I give all the credit in the world to the hands-down greatest ESPN columnist Bill Simmons (Insert “we are not worthy” clip from Wayne’s World here). Never the less, I thought I would share everything I did on NFL draft day
I start off my sports day by watching Chelsea versus West Ham United. See, I’m a new, and increasingly obsessed English Premier League fan. But instead of writing a full article about my new found love, I thought I would spoon-feed a soccer reference first. You know, testing the waters.
I’m re-heating some burritos I made yesterday. Despite being a ginger, I’m like the fuckin’ Emril of Mexican food.
It’s time. The decision has to be made. The future rests in the balance. No, not the Draft, I need to pick which network to watch. This is critical, I’m about to invest hours of my time. NFL network, or ESPN (through the TSN feed)? Chris Berman or Rich Eisen? Mike Mayock or Mel Kiper Jr.?
Random Note: I would love to see those four guys in a steel cage match. Only Eisen would have Randy “The Ram” hair.
I eventually give my viewership to the NFL network. They’re having Deon Sanders interview the draftees. Deon has to be in my top five ex-players now on TV (Warren Sapp, Dion Sanders, Chris Collinsworth, Charles Barkley, and of course Rance Mulliniks. Which also raises the question which Walker and myself always ask: Who names their kid Rance?). Have you ever seen Deon Sanders when he was a rookie? They showed a picture of him on the day he was drafted by the Falcons in 1988. He looked like Mr. T’s illegitimate child. “I pity the fool who throws at the guys I’m covering.”
The Lions take QB Matthew Stafford. No surprise considering he signed his deal yesterday. Now far be it from me to criticize a guy who just signed a contract for the most guaranteed money EVER, but he looks…..well he looks one card short of a full deck. Then again Peyton Manning looked like a 13-year-old boy with Down syndrome when he was drafted. He even played like one for his rookie year too. So I’ll give Stafford the benefit of the doubt.
At this time I realize I can play a special NFL draft day Streak For the Cash on ESPN.com!! (if you don’t know what that is go to ESPN.com right now). As a newly admitted Gambling addict, I can’t help but play long.
The Jets just traded 3 players and their first two picks to move up to fifth overall! They’re going to take Mark Sanchez right?
Yeah they took him and the crowd went crazy. My buddy Colin, a massive Jets fan, just shit his pants. Now Sanchez looks like a quarterback, far from the retarded farm-boy lookalike Stafford… Did I just develop a non-sexual man crush on Mark Sanchez?….
The Raiders just took WR Darrius Heyward-Bey and NOT Michael Crabtree! So in response to Walker’s question, Crabtree seems to be the one pulling a Brady Quinn. It has to be awkward to show up to the draft, keep falling, and constantly have a camera in your face. My prediction is he won’t fall past the 10th pick. Either the Packers or 49ers will take him simply because he’s on the board.
In-between pick 8 and 9
Mike Mayock just said Boston College Defensive lineman B.J. Raji had “good lookin’” legs and butt….Maybe NFL Network was the wrong choice.
At the same time I realize I’m getting killed on Streak For The Cash and stop playing.
Crabtree finally came of the board and went to the 49ers. CALLED IT!! This Crabtree versus Heyward-Bey competition will be one for the ages in Southern California…unless they’re both busts…which seems more likely.
In-between pick 11-12
Another weird Mayock moment: he just compared Aaron Maybin, the Bills’ newest DE, to a state trooper because they showed tape of him making a tackle 15 yards downfield…. What the hell does that even mean? I switched over to ESPN.
30 Seoncds Later
Back to NFL network. I miss Deon “Primetime” Sanders. Seriously if you could hang out with any football player in their prime, wouldn’t it be Deon? Google Deon Sanders and look at his mug shot, then tell me he wouldn’t be a fun guy to hang around.
Knowshon Moreno was just taken by the Denver Broncos… Really Josh McDaniels? First you’re hated for running your Pro-Bowl QB out of town, a year ago your defense blew the division title, and NOW you’re drafting a Running back?
I change channels quickly on a commercial, and figure out hockey is on!?!? Gary Bettman was born in America; he should know the NFL is king. Why are you scheduling a game against the Draft? In the end, Pittsburg wins 5-3 and hockey lost by a couple million in the Nielsen Ratings.
The Houston Texans take Brian Cushing. I really like Cushing, but only because I enjoy watching USC, and he was one of the draftees the NFL network cameras has been following around for months.
Still some good names available including Persey Harvin, Jeremy Maclin, and “Beany” Wells.
Somewhere around pick 17
My power goes out! On the biggest day of the NFL offseason, my damn power goes out! So I somehow leave the couch and go on a run. This was harder then usual due to the afore mentioned burritos.
As much as I love the Draft, we all get way too excited thinking our teams will be massively improved because of 7 rookies. It isn’t their colleges or draft positions that make great players, it’s coaching. Brady would be weeding my garden if he didn’t have Belichick, Steve Young would be a footnote in Tampa sports history if it weren’t for Bill Walsh, and under Chuck Noll, Terry Bradshaw finally learned how to spell “cat.” So enjoy the draft, pray for a better tomorrow, but at the end of the day, in coach we trust.