Dr. Lucas’ Prescription for Scott’s Case of the Infected Jersey

Scott wrote a really interesting take on all of his infected Jerseys. In other words Jerseys he has acquired when the players were on the wrong side of their peak. Being an avid reader of Uni Watch on Page 2, I am a self proclaimed expert on Jersey’s, Albeit I don’t own many myself. While neither of us participate in DIY Jerseys I think I am qualified to prescribe something to each of Scott’s Jersey’s.

Exhibit A – A Toronto Raptors Vince Carter Away Jersey.
Prescription: Fire, Electro-Shock Therapy

Scott claims that he sold this Jersey for $15 at a yard sale. This saddens me, because while Scott may have gotten rid of the physical ailments, he is still left with all those bad memories, and barley enough money for a medium pizza. The only thing that this has done is give someone else the bad memories of Vince Carter, and (I am assuming some well meaning gift giver bought the jersey) made some child upset that they are once again reminded of Vince Carter’s tenure in Toronto. Scott should have burned his VC jersey, and invited anyone else to denounce Vince Carter from the city of Toronto. I also think that we need to erase all records and memories of Vince Carter ever playing from Toronto, including editing him out of any family photos and erasing those Toronto high-light clips from youtube.

Exhibit B – A Washington Bullets (Wizards) Michael Jordan Home Jersey
Prescription – Cosmetic Surgery and Sale

Fix this Jersey up with an authentic autograph and throw it on ebay. Similar Jerseys are going for over $900. If not, I”m sure that you could sell it for an astounding $20.

Exhibit C – An Oakland Raiders Charles Woodson Home Jersey
Prescription – Retirement

Every Jersey owner knows that you can keep two jerseys, one that the player one a championship with, and one who is in the hall of fame.  Thankfully this jersey falls into at least one of those two categories. I say you keep it safe in your closet until the Raiders are “In the Hunt” around 2019. Sure this one has buyers remorse

Exhibit D – A Kansas City Chiefs Priest Holmes Home Jersey
Prescription: Take Advil twice daily, and rest for four to six weeks.

Sure this one has buyers remorse, but thats what happens when you get running back who is hot for a couple of years, then is injured, and loses his starting spot. Running backs only last about five years in the NFL, so they are a dime a dozen, sadly their jerseys are not. Only time can make up for the pain of this one, and the hope that Priest might be a late ballot hall of famer.

Exhibit E – A Detroit Pistons “Big” Ben Wallace Road Jersey
Prescription – Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

While this Jersey’s days as a way for a fan to support their favourite team are long over, there is no reason it still can’t be worn around. Like to the gym, where you want to show off your toughness by resembling your favourite sports brawler. If you are ever in a preplanned fight with someone, set it up so that they where their Steven Jackson Jersey.

Exhibit F – A Tennessee Titans Eddie George Away Jersey
Prescription – Just a little bruised, it still good.

If you were leaving home and got to take one jersey with you this would be it. This was your gateway jersey that got you addicted to purchasing them. Albeit it also got you addicted to buying jerseys after the palyer’s prime, but before their legacy went on sale. The hope for this one is that this jersey was about two inches away from winning a Superbowl, making it keepable. I still say there is hope that Eddie George will make it into the Hall, so why not keep it anyway. Plus it is sentimental.

Rapid Fire Prescriptions

Keep: Sundin, Farve, (Hall of Famers) Team Canada, Nagano, sure 2002 would have been better, but the winter Olympics are so rare that it is worth having one Jersey around to keep. Plus there were a lot of all stars on this team. Rickey, too many jokes, and good/bad memories to throw away.

Toss: Allen (Seattle Superwhat? I still picture Sonic the Hedgehog as their mascots), Michigan Wolverines (unless its Brady of course…).

By: Lucas


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