Tag Archives: Bill Simmons

I’m a Sports Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here

Did anyone see the show I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here? Now usually I’m not one for crappy reality TV, but it’s the summer so quit breaking balls and just listen.  The most competitive person on the show was John Salley. You know Salley; 4 time NBA champion, and the token black guy on Best Damn Sports Show Period. Anyway this got me thinking, what if there were only sports stars stuck in the rain forest of Costa Rica? Lets explore.

Michael Jordan:
MJ would be the favorite to win, after all, the guy went 6 for 6 in NBA championships, a reality show should be easy. He would do every single challenge with his tongue sticking out too.  However in the end, he would quit the show twice, and eventually come back on another less popular show, which further ruins his legacy.

O.J. Simpson
Who wouldn’t want to watch “The Juice” on this show. However he would be first voted off after America saw his one luxury item he brought from home was a poorly fitting black glove

Adam “Pacman” Jones
He’s gonna make it rain!! …..Only on this show the strip club is the jungle ………and the “rain” isn’t money……… but actual fucking rain.

John McEnroe
He’d be the guy who freaks out first. “What do you mean we’re out of rice!! I’m out there busting my ass…” His luxury item? Well it would be a picture of him with his beautiful 80’s hair. What do you call that anyway?

Anna Kournikova, Maria Sharapova, Danica Patrick, Jennie Finch, Amanda Beard, and Stacy Keibler.
Eye Candy. I’m not a shovinist, but who wouldn’t want to see any of these girls in some tight-fitting wet halter tops fighting it out in a food challenge?

John Madden
He would be the guy who eats all the food, and pisses everyone off because he’s always pointing out the obvious. “We’re starving because we’re not eating enough fried chicken.” But in the end he would stay on the island and loose at least 100lbs.

Bill Simmons
Yes I know he isn’t an athlete, but do you trust anyone else to document this amazing show? No, of course not. For that we need the best. Enter SimBo.

Charles Barkley
They got Chaz Barkley only because Shaq was too busy Twittering to come on the show. Barkley would bring his golf clubs as his luxury item, and would be working on his swing every day……and it would still look like an awkward grade 6 slowdance. Chaz would also place bets with Michael Jordan on every immunity challenge, eventually leading to Chaz loosing $ 230,000.

Coach Mike Singletary
Mike would fill the roll of the token old guy, who gives everything his best, but in the end just can’t pull it out. Plus who wouldn’t want more soundbites like this.

There you have it. One island, six women, eight guys, thirty cameras, and millions entertained. But who would win? Stay tuned everyone!

By Scott

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Some more RST

I have three articles coming. I swear I’m not a one trick pony. But until then…..here is my one trick…….RANDOM……..SPORTS……….THOUGHTS!!!

1)    I have decided not to respond to the article below. It will become a never-ending mass of arguments that once resembled an article. In the end we both have points.

2)    I love Doc, and I want nothing more then to see him win a title in Toronto. But let’s be honest with ourselves….it’s not going to happen. We have to let him go. To keep the good Doctor, we would have to throw the bank at him, and if we learnt one thing from the Delgado era; it’s that you can’t win when one person on your team takes up 25% of your payroll. Let the bidding war begin.
a.    Doc to Philadelphia?

3)    Why is no one signing Shawn Marion? He’s could be a quality #2 or 3 on any team.
a.    Marion to Cleveland?

4)    Remember when I said Lance would not win the Tour De France, and then said “Are you listening ESPN” I was TOTALLY joking.
a.    Lance said he wouldn’t try to win this Tour but he’s currently sitting in second place. He’s like that big brother who says “o yeah I’ll let you win, just this one time.” But then yells “Screw you!” and gives you a Dutch Oven instead.

5)    Props to FAN 590. The self proclaimed “number one hockey station” put their Hockey Central at Noon show on hold for an hour long baseball show.  This is the happiest I’ve felt about the FAN since Chuck Swirsky was on the airwaves. We miss ya Chuck!

6)    Because of Bill Simmons’ podcasts completely about reality TV, I thought I would give MTV’s The Real World a shot. So far it’s like a porno minus all the money shots. Anyway that isn’t what this thought is about. There is some blond dude on the show named CJ who is currently a NFL free agent punter. My question is, does this idiot really think any head coach will rush to their phone to sign a punter who’s doing body shots off 18-year-old girls in Cancun?
a.    Actually now that I say that, he sounds perfect for the 2005 Vikings.

7)    Has Tampa become the MLB’s best team?……..I just scared myself

8)    As I have said many times, I am not a hockey guy. But as I am living in the hockey hotbed of the world, I know a lot that a casual fan such as myself usually wouldn’t. That being said, I really love what Brian Burke is doing at the reigns of the TML. Beauchemin, Exelby, and Komisarek! In Burke we trust.

9)    Do you think Manny could share some fertility drugs with the Cubs’ offence?

10)    Lebron has taken a big step backward in my book. A kid dunked on him at a skills camp he was holding, so and he and Nike destroy the tapes of this dunk?  That’s low. Wouldn’t it have been better to let the tape out and avoid this entire public backlash?

One Two for the Road
1) Here’s a prediction that no one really cares about: Tomasz Adamek will beat Tommy Gunn by a majority decision when they fight this Saturday. PUT IT ON THE BOARD
2) Go and rent a movie called 61* a film about Roger Maris versus Mickey Mantle in their home run battle of 1961.  It also begs the question: was Maris the original A-Rod?

By Scott

Who is the Real Kenny Powers? Scott’s Take.

My new favorite show is East Bound and Down. If you haven’t seen it yet, get HBO or the Movie Network or whatever you need, and watch it. If you’re anything like me you’ll love every second. The premise centers around Kenny Powers, a washed up MLB pitcher who returns to his hometown to be a substitute teacher after his destructive behavior destroys his once promising career. Kenny Powers drinks, does hard drugs, swears like a sailor, has a massive ego, and his catch phrase is “you’re fuckin’ out!” But this got me thinking, who are the really Kenny Powers in professional sports? Who was once great but now lives completely as a punchline in the pantheon of sports humor?

That’s right kids, ANOTHER LIST!!

Clint Longley
If anyone fits the Kenny Powers mold, it’s Clint Longley. He was a backup QB for the Cowboys, who had ONE amazing Thanksgiving Day game in 1974 after the legendary Roger Staubach left with an injury….THATS IT. But despite this only being ONE GAME, Clint’s ego became Kanye-esque, and he consistently reminded himself (and his teammates) that he was better then Captain Comeback.  He even threw a sucker punch at Staubach two years later (Also a classic Kenny Powers move). He was subsequently cut from the cowboys. But this story gets even better. After being kicked out the league, he came north of the boarder and played for my beloved Toronto Argonauts…. HE WAS THE ORIGINAL RICKY WILLIAMS!!! Today he’s probably selling used wigs in some west Texas town and saying to anyone who will listen “I bet I can throw over those there mountains.”

Side note: Longley was recently on the NFL Network show Top Ten: One Shot Wonders and they showed an interview with the now banished QB. I looked at him and actually thought I was watching Kenny Powers Himself. Clint Longley is to Kenny Powers as Stan Van Gundy is to Ron Jeremy.

photo-23

https://i2.wp.com/1.bp.blogspot.com/_HFk1IH2j_JM/Sa7diHuQK2I/AAAAAAAAAOQ/NF1ZRs22OVY/s400/Kenny_Powers.jpg

Longley (right) is only missing a gotee……o and a career

Freddy Mitchell

That’s right FredEx is back! You remember him don’t you? He’s mostly known for his nickname (which Fedex put a stop to), and being on the receiving end of that 14-second scrambling / 60-yard pass that Donovan McNabb had against the Cowboys one Monday night.  He is also well known for being on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and saying Benjamin Franklin was the first ever US president. His lack of historical knowledge was bad enough, but it is further compounded by the fact he took political science and history during his time at UCLA. I’m sure all the history professors were beaming with pride.

And if that wasn’t enough, Mitchell was also unable to name the members of the Patriots secondary before Superbowl XXXIX.  He later tried to redeem himself and said while he didn’t know their names, he did know their numbers. He tried to name the digits….and failed.  I will now try to do what Freddy could not and name members of the 2004 Patriots secondary. You have my word that I am not cheating.
1.    Ty Law must have still been on the team
2.    Rodney Harrison I know was there
3.    Asante Samuel must have been there too, but possibly not a starter
4.    I’m going to throw in Troy Brown simply because I know he played both ways
5.    I know there is one more that when I hear I will be kicking myself but I can’t think of it.

So while checking my answers I see that Ty Law didn’t play due to injury, and the one I forgot was Randall Gay. Anyway my point is I can name SOMEONE in the secondary five years later. Freddy couldn’t do it after studying them before the bloody Superbowl! All this reeks of Kenny Powers. BUT WAIT THERE IS MORE!!!

(WARNING: I just read this on Wikipedia, so it may be incorrect, but at this point I’m too excited to care)

Two more things. First Freddy tried out for my Argos, AND DIDN’T MAKE THE TEAM! Classic Kenny Powers.  Secondly Wikipedia has this “According to sports blog Deadspin on November 27, 2006, Mitchell served as a substitute teacher at Mishawaka High School”……………THAT IS THE FUCKIN’ PLOT TO EAST BOUND AND DOWN!!!  Also Judging by his Benjamin Franklin statements I’m scared for those kids in Mishawake HS. This has made me so happy I could crap myself. So lets move on

Mike Tyson
My sports columnist hero Bill Simmons (we are still not worthy) has a special section reserved for those athletes whose behavior has become so outrageous that you would believe any story told about them. Members of this special club include such outrageous personalities as O.J. Simpson, Michael Vick, Kanye West, and John Rocker (another possibly member of this Kenny Powers list).  This list of crazy outrageous sports personalities has been dubbed “The Tyson Zone.” That’s right a list full of the craziest in sport has been named after Iron Mike himself.  I think that says enough about his personality.

Tyson is a washed up athlete living on his past glory. So he has that in common with Kenny Powers. But the one thing that makes him different from the lovable ex-pitcher in East Bound and Down, is he could never EVER be a substitute teacher. Do the words “I want to eat his children,” mean anything to you? Enough Said.

By Scott

Running Diary of My Draft Day

Just for the record, this is not an original idea. I give all the credit in the world to the hands-down greatest ESPN columnist Bill Simmons (Insert “we are not worthy” clip from Wayne’s World here). Never the less, I thought I would share everything I did on NFL draft day

10:00am

I start off my sports day by watching Chelsea versus West Ham United. See, I’m a new, and increasingly obsessed English Premier League fan. But instead of writing a full article about my new found love, I thought I would spoon-feed a soccer reference first. You know, testing the waters.

3:50pm

I’m re-heating some burritos I made yesterday. Despite being a ginger, I’m like the fuckin’ Emril of Mexican food.

3:55pm

It’s time. The decision has to be made. The future rests in the balance. No, not the Draft, I need to pick which network to watch. This is critical, I’m about to invest hours of my time.  NFL network, or ESPN (through the TSN feed)? Chris Berman or Rich Eisen? Mike Mayock or Mel Kiper Jr.?

Random Note: I would love to see those four guys in a steel cage match. Only Eisen would have Randy “The Ram” hair.

4:00pm

I eventually give my viewership to the NFL network. They’re having Deon Sanders interview the draftees. Deon has to be in my top five ex-players now on TV (Warren Sapp, Dion Sanders, Chris Collinsworth, Charles Barkley, and of course Rance Mulliniks. Which also raises the question which Walker and myself always ask: Who names their kid Rance?). Have you ever seen Deon Sanders when he was a rookie? They showed a picture of him on the day he was drafted by the Falcons in 1988. He looked like Mr. T’s illegitimate child. “I pity the fool who throws at the guys I’m covering.”

Pick 1

The Lions take QB Matthew Stafford. No surprise considering he signed his deal yesterday. Now far be it from me to criticize a guy who just signed a contract for the most guaranteed money EVER, but he looks…..well he looks one card short of a full deck. Then again Peyton Manning looked like a 13-year-old boy with Down syndrome when he was drafted. He even played like one for his rookie year too. So I’ll give Stafford the benefit of the doubt.

At this time I realize I can play a special NFL draft day Streak For the Cash on ESPN.com!! (if you don’t know what that is go to ESPN.com right now). As a newly admitted Gambling addict, I can’t help but play long.

Pick 5

The Jets just traded 3 players and their first two picks to move up to fifth overall! They’re going to take Mark Sanchez right?

Yeah they took him and the crowd went crazy. My buddy Colin, a massive Jets fan, just shit his pants. Now Sanchez looks like a quarterback, far from the retarded farm-boy lookalike Stafford… Did I just develop a non-sexual man crush on Mark Sanchez?….

Pick 7

The Raiders just took WR Darrius Heyward-Bey and NOT Michael Crabtree! So in response to Walker’s question, Crabtree seems to be the one pulling a Brady Quinn. It has to be awkward to show up to the draft, keep falling, and constantly have a camera in your face. My prediction is he won’t fall past the 10th pick. Either the Packers or 49ers will take him simply because he’s on the board.

In-between pick 8 and 9

Mike Mayock just said Boston College Defensive lineman B.J. Raji had “good lookin’” legs and butt….Maybe NFL Network was the wrong choice.

At the same time I realize I’m getting killed on Streak For The Cash and stop playing.

Pick 10

Crabtree finally came of the board and went to the 49ers. CALLED IT!! This Crabtree versus Heyward-Bey competition will be one for the ages in Southern California…unless they’re both busts…which seems more likely.

In-between pick 11-12

Another weird Mayock moment: he just compared Aaron Maybin, the Bills’ newest DE, to a state trooper because they showed tape of him making a tackle 15 yards downfield…. What the hell does that even mean? I switched over to ESPN.

30 Seoncds Later

Back to NFL network. I miss Deon “Primetime” Sanders. Seriously if you could hang out with any football player in their prime, wouldn’t it be Deon? Google Deon Sanders and look at his mug shot, then tell me he wouldn’t be a fun guy to hang around.

Pick 12

Knowshon Moreno was just taken by the Denver Broncos… Really Josh McDaniels? First you’re hated for running your Pro-Bowl QB out of town, a year ago your defense blew the division title, and NOW you’re drafting a Running back?

5:43

I change channels quickly on a commercial, and figure out hockey is on!?!? Gary Bettman was born in America; he should know the NFL is king. Why are you scheduling a game against the Draft? In the end, Pittsburg wins 5-3 and hockey lost by a couple million in the Nielsen Ratings.

Pick 15

The Houston Texans take Brian Cushing. I really like Cushing, but only because I enjoy watching USC, and he was one of the draftees the NFL network cameras has been following around for months.

Still some good names available including Persey Harvin, Jeremy Maclin, and “Beany” Wells.

Somewhere around pick 17

My power goes out! On the biggest day of the NFL offseason, my damn power goes out! So I somehow leave the couch and go on a run. This was harder then usual due to the afore mentioned burritos.

As much as I love the Draft, we all get way too excited thinking our teams will be massively improved because of 7 rookies. It isn’t their colleges or draft positions that make great players, it’s coaching. Brady would be weeding my garden if he didn’t have Belichick, Steve Young would be a footnote in Tampa sports history if it weren’t for Bill Walsh, and under Chuck Noll, Terry Bradshaw finally learned how to spell “cat.” So enjoy the draft, pray for a better tomorrow, but at the end of the day, in coach we trust.

By Scott