Who is the Real Kenny Powers? Lucas’ Take

Who is Kenny Powers? Seriously who the fuck is Kenny Powers?

After jumping on the East Bound and Down bandwagon, I have finally decided to do my version of the Kenny Powers draft, much like Scott did earlier. I think that Kenny Powess was not just influcended by one baseball player, like Roger “the Rocket” Clemens I don’t think that Kenny Powers has been the inspiration of just Roger Clemens, but rather a combination of baseball players, professional athletes, actors, and fictional characters. Let’s take a quick look at some of his traits.

Hair
A Mullet like that could belong to one of two people. Randy Johnson, or Billy Ray Cirus. While Randy Johnson is a baseball player, he has had a long, quality lasting career, Billy Ray Cirus on the other hand was a one hit wonder. I also want to throw Michael Bolton into the mix, because a discussion about Mullet’s just isn’t complete without his him. I’m going to have go with Johnson on this one, since while both Cirus and Bolton are more house hold Mullet names, Johnson has been baseball’s mullet representative for over twenty years now. I don’t like how his hair seems to get shorter as the season goes on.

Now what about that Goatee? Sadly, it is not a moustche, and therefore cannot be endorsed by the American Mousache Institute. Well, while it would be nice to compare it to fellow truck-drivin’ and country music lovin’ ball player Kevin Youkilis, and it would be nice to draw a comparison to Roger Clemens, that goatee van dyke has to belong to none other then hall of fame ballotee, Mark McGuire. McGuire hit a few home runs in his prime, KePow, my new awesome nickname for Kenny Power

s, hit one.  Also, McGuire had his facial hair a lot longer then Clemens.  you know how fucking hard it is for a pitcher to hit a home run?

Also in the style category, and taken from a steroid user, how about that thong. While it wasn’t gold, it certainly does come from Jason Giambi School of Fashion.

Physique
While it is no secret that baseball has long been a fat man’s sport, but Kenny Powers has a gut that could put any defensive tackle to shame. While baseball has seen its fair share of fat hefty pitchers, and players (Babe Ruth started out as a pitcher), to David Wells, to C.C. Sabathia. There have also been a few good sized cathers, like Bengie Molina, and not one but two pudges, I’m noticing a little bit a of a trend between fat pitchers and catchers. Powers doesn’t quite fit any of their builds. There is only one player who has the physique of Kenny Powers. Roger Clemens, in his later years had quite the steroid beer belly.

Attitude
A self absorbed drug using athlete. That is a tough one to narrow it down from, and I don’t know if we’ll be able to pick just one of the many athletes that are pissed off at everything for nothing. I think that to find someone who rivals Kenny’s attitude is too big of a challenge for baseball. While I do hate A-Rod I think that Kenny’s outlook comes from the sport of football. His catch phrase “You’re fuckign out!” does rival Keyshawn Johnson’s “Just get me the damn ball!” I think that only Terrel Owens’ ego comes anywhere close to the same size as KePow’s. Edit. In retrospect, the only asshole who has an ego as big as Kenny Powers, is Guns and Roses front man Axl Rose.

Career
Kenny Powers has certainly been drawn from many characters, but I feel that more than anyone else he is drawn from Roger Clemens. Playing for the New York Yankees Pinstripes then the Boston Red Sox Jerseys. Now Clemen’s made several comebacks, Powers just made several crappy attempts. Kenny Powers does steroids, and well so does Clemens.The biggest difference between the two is that Powers was a closer. Is there a closer whose carrer was really hot, then faded away, hrm….the words Éric Gangé, come to mind. A few teams, HGH use, and a career done in the mid 30’s. Drawing from the realm of fictional athletes, Powers’ life of being on top, to rock bottom, seems to follow the life of Randy “The Ram” Robinson. From the women, to the drugs, to the steroids, Kenny Powers is like a TV version of The Ram, only he has a Sea-Doo instead of a Van.

While Powers did like his drugs and was a fairly competent pitcher, he never quite matched the success of Dock Ellis.

Well there you have it, the Kenny Powers draft, Lucas style. Made up of Randy Johnson, Billy Ray Cirus, Michael Bolton, Kevin Youkilis, Mark McGuire. A lot of Roger Clemens, some A-Rod mixed with T.O. and Axl Rose. With a career that mimics Éric Gangé and again Roger Clemens.