I’M BACK! and 9 Random Sports Thoughts

I’M BACK!! That’s right kids and campers I’m back from my long work/gym/baby induced hiatus (and no not my baby). Because I haven’t written in weeks it is again time for some random thoughts.

Edit: This post was too good for me not to comment on, instead of reposting it I am just going to add my comments in Italics, Lucas.

Side Note: This is kind of like my Twitter… even though I take the Michael Wilbon approach to the newest online social pariah. “Twittering is for birds.” Good on ya Mr. Wilbon. Anyway let’s begin.

You’re right, just like you were right about Facebook, messenger, Skype, I bet if you were around you’d be against the Telephone as well, and hell you’d probably be against going from a horse and buggie to a Model T.

1)    Remember the 2006 Rose Bowl? That was probably the best football game of all time. But of the three big names playing that day (Bush, Leinart, and Young) none of them have amounted to anything in the pros. Although Reggie is dating Kim Kardashian….who is apparently a celebrity….for doing…something…

Yes I remember this game, I would have won $140 on Pro-line had the Texas kicker made one of two field goals, or that extra point he missed.

2)    Having checked some rather reliable sources (available to everyone online so you know they’re good), I’ve seen that the NHL finals ratings are up. But if you do the math, the highest rated NHL playoff game only got 10% of what Jon & Kate Plus 8 got.

Side Note: where the hell did these two people and their busload (literally) of kids come from?  Can anyone remember a celebrity who went from “D” list to tabloid cover story so damn fast?

Side Note 2.0: To get on TLC you need to be some sort of physical freak. Conjoined twins? 1000 lbs? 1 foot tall? Come one on down to TLC!

I’ve been saying this for years, TLC has turned into the Freak channel. All the morbidly obese people, litters of children, real life Benjamin Buttons, people who can’t dress, and the odd wedding. How the hell am I supposed to learn.

3)    I love….LOVE…LOOOOVVVVEEE the Nike MVP (Most Valuable Puppets) ads. But now that the Cleveland Lebrons are out of the playoffs, the commercials will keep going right? I need this in my life. It taps into some weird long lost love of Muppets. Herdy ferdy go du derdy. (That was Swedish Chef for Go Lakers!)

4)    I have to admit something…. I cannot grow anything close to a beard. It’s sad, but I deal with it, and move on……are you listening Sidney Crosby?

I however can.

5)    WARNING NOT SPORTS REALTED BUT I’M STILL COUNTING IT.
I saw the MTV Movie Awards the other day and those two random kids in that bloody Twilight movie showed up. Have you ever seen two people more depressed to be famous? Seriously youtube that shit, and get a load of these “I’m so sad to be rich” bastards! (o yeah that’s an angry exclamation point. Don’t screw wit me MTV)

Maybe they should spend sometime in the slums of India doing research for the Sequal to Slumdog Millionare, Wheel of Misfortune.

6)    I hate everything from Florida…..okay NOT orange juice….that shit is delicious and nutritious….but besides OJ I hate everything from the sunshine state. The fact that in my lifetime the Lightening and Buccaneers have won titles, and the Rays, Magic, and Panthers have a title appearance, literally kills me inside. BUT the silver lining of the Orlando Magic being in the NBA finals is we get to keep seeing Ron Jeremy’s twin (aka Stan Van Gundy) for a little longer. I wonder who sweats more in a typical day at work?…….nasty…..

I’m glad you agree that Steve Van Grundy looks a LOT like Ron Jeremey. Here is a debate about the issue at hand. Also I like Orange Juice, but I dislike OJ Simpson, so even saying you like OJ is a close call.

7)    My newest Lebron theory: If he wins a title next year, he will leave Cleveland. If he falls short yet again, he will stay. James doesn’t want to become the face of the Cleveland sports depression.

Not bad, but the money NY is willing to offer him, plus the endorsement oppourtunities, plus the life oppourtunities are too much to turn down. Like Ichiro Suzuki said “I’d rather punch myself in the face than go to Clevland”.

8)    Regular readers will know that not too long ago I gave my theory to fix hockey. So what will be my next undertaking?……. Making Track and Field relevant!  Here is my idea. Do it all naked and sell add space on the athletes naughty bits. Brilliant I know! Seriously Mastercard has built in add space on every female participant…. Think about it….

My theory to fix hockey’s popularity, get rid of their commissioner who shall not be named. Also, MasterCard could advertise on very “courageous” male athletes. My idea, take a page out of NASCAR books and increase the risk for crashes. Instead of 8 100m racers, have 16, going in opposite directions.

9)    If the Nuggets had made it to the NBA finals against the magic, the NBA could have come out with a cereal called Magic Nuggets! They’re magically mediocre!

Sounds delicious. It would also be like that World Series that almost happened a couple of years ago with the Rockies and Red Sox, Ibelive it was almost the Rockies and Indians. Ratings would drop to as low as NHL Play-Offs if it was a Nugs and Magic final. I guess Colordo isn’t into sports.

by: Scott and now Lucas.

The Top Things That Will Happen Now That Fitzgerald And Polamalu Are On The Madden ’10 Cover

Eddie George, Daunte Culpepper, Marshall Faulk, Michael Vick, Ray Lewis, Donovan McNabb, Shaun Alexander, Vince Young, and most recently, the immortal Brett Favre. All of them became victims of the Madden Curse.  For those of you who don’t know, Madden is not only a Hall of Fame/Superbowl XI winning coach and drumstick loving broadcaster, but his name adorns the NFL’s main video game franchise. Since 2001 whichever athlete was chosen to be the cover-model has had a terrible season following the release of the game.  These once unstoppable athletes succumb to injury, slumps, bad losses, and even the inability to love dogs.
So who is the newest to be brought to Madden’s career slaughterhouse? None other then Larry Fitzgerald of the Cardinals and TroyPolamalu of the Steelers, arguably the two most dominant players at their respective positions.  Because I’ve become a gambling addict, lets go over the possibilities of what will happen to the newest players to fall prey to Madden’s cover curse.

ALIEN ABDUCTION 1,000,000-1

Wouldn’t you love to see aliens try to abduct two 200+ pound football players renowned for being tough guys. Why do movie aliens always attack boring people? Who gives a shit if Mel Gibson’s farm is attacked by crop circle making pussy aliens in Signs? Lets see those aliens try that crap on Mike Tyson. Of course the one notable exception would be Jim Brown in Mars Attacks. Now THAT was a movie.

FRITZ PETERSON / MIKE KEKICH LIFE SWAPPING SCANDAL 500,000-1

If you don’t know the story, two Yankees pitchers, Peterson and Kekich, swapped lives completely. They traded wives, children, houses, and even dogs (according to todays smartest orgonzation… Wikipedia). Now THAT would be a scandal. This wouldn’t really do anything to the careers or statistics of Fitz and Polamalu, but would be the most talked about thing of all time.  Imagine the water cooler talk. “Fuck OJ’s car chase, did you hear about Fitzgerald and Polamalu switching lives?”

NOTHING 1000-1

Don’t kid yourself, something is going to happen. THERE ARE TWO OF THEM FOR FUCK’S SAKE, TWO TIMES THE OPPORTNITIES!!! SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN!! *breath*

RETIREMENT 900-1

I don’t think this will happen, but it’s not unprecedented for an athlete to retire in their prime. See Barry Sanders for example. However he was a runningback, and runningbacks on average have a career shorter then most ipods.

ONE OF THEM WILL FAIL A DRUG TEST 100-1 (after all it’s the NFL, they’re all on SOMETHING, right?)

As a Toronto sports fan i would love to see this happen. Why you ask? Because if either of them pulls a Micheal Phelps… or a Daryl Strawberry…or a Marion Jones….or (insert the athlete your thinking of here) they will inevitably want to resurrect their career in the CFL. RICKY STYLE!!! Then maybe my Argos will have a better year then the last one.

SIDE NOTE: If anyone is actually reading this (and why the hell wouldn’t you), there is a cool story about when Walker and I worked for the Argos but i’ll save that for another time

INJURY 5-1

This is probably your best bet. Both Fitzgerald and Polamalu play the way the game is meant to be played; tough as shit, hard nose football. Polamalu even called the NFL a sissy league because of all the QB protection rules. An injury would be devastating to their teams, but don’t worry football fans; if either one of these two sustain an injury it will probably be hair related.

Although there is always the possibility that both of them will have good seasons, both will be Pro bowl players, and both will once again lead their teams to playoff positions. But even so the curse will live on. How is this possible you ask? Well you see, Madden (the drumbstick loving broadcaster this time, not the game) is no longer around to call the games.  So in the end, are we not all victims of the ultimate tragedy of the Madden curse?

By Scott